Someone shit on the floor
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
