Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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