Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
