Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
