cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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