Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
