My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
