dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
How external is "for external use only"?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
