i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize