Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Soap is not a condiment
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
