Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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