I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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