i don't plan on having that self control this summer
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I didn't notice because vodka
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
