he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
