I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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