im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
