Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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