Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
