How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
