I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize