if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
