There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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