Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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