the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
