I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
