I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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