420 ftw
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
