i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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