i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
