I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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