A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i believe in u and ur pee
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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