Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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