I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
