My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
