Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
