I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Randomize
