smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
