So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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