I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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