You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
