the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
