wanna go halves on a baby?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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