I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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