my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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