Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
