my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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