I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
