My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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