remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
