Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
