Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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