She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
