you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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