8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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