My liver just broke up with me...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
