alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
