I wish my penis had an off switch
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
