awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
